12 hours ago
Friday, 27 March 2009
So, my friend's sister just had her baby. It's got a fucking cool name, a mohican and is really cute and stuff.
'Awwww', we say. The joy of new life, the miracle of conception, the unbeatable radiant glow of a pregnant woman.
Shit, this sounds great, I want to have one of these little ones!
...What's that you say?
You were in labour for 30 hours?
They had to use forceps to get it out of you?
THEY HAD TO CUT YOUR PUM TO FIT THE FORCEPS IN?
I think my Vagina has just shut up shop.
So, I found out that there are certain degrees of ripping/tearing a woman can experience during birth.
First Degree tears – Small, skin-deep tears which usually heal naturally.
Second Degree tears – Deeper tears affecting the muscle of the perineum as well as the skin. These usually require stitches.
Sounds fucking painful, right? Well that's just the start. This is the little league in tearing, you should be GREATFUL if you only reach First or Second Degree.
Third Degree tear - Extends downwards from the vaginal wall and perineum to the anal sphincter, the muscle that controls the anus.
Fourth Degree tear - Extends to the anal canal as well as the rectum (further into the anus).
Er, WHAT? Seriously...WHAT? I never fucking signed up for this! I knew childbirth was painful but I thought it was like break your neck painful...not rip me a new, solo hole painful.
Not only is there chance of you ending up with a Vaganus (see what I did there?! Yep.), but women regularly shit and piss themselves whilst going for the push. Oh, and the baby might decide to do a little number 2 inside you as well. Thanks, kid!
I think I'll adopt, thanks.