Monday, 16 February 2009

Ross Kemp.

I'd completely forgotten about the bizarre 'hard man' that is Ross Kemp until I saw him in the Lock Tavern in Camden Town last Friday.

Most people will remember him as Grant Mitchell from Eastenders. But somehow he has managed to leave the Albert Square stigma behind him, established himself as a serious documentary filmmaker, won a BAFTA and become an advisor to Boris Johnson on how to tackle gang crime in London.

Are you being fucking serious?

Has anyone SEEN 'Ross Kemp On Gangs'? It's possibly one of the most ridiculously funny things I have ever had the pleasure of pissing my pants laughing at.

It all started off in Afganistan where Ross gets all Apocolypse Now and shows the Taliban who's boss.

"This is the most exciting morning I have had for a veeeerrry long time, I can assure you of that"

Oh really, Ross? Well, here's an idea; seeming as you're so experienced with guns, rocket launchers, tanks, grenades...in fact, almost every type of killing machine known to man...how 'bout we just leave all this war stuff up to you and you can go and single-handedly fight the Taliban whilst getting your jollies off at the same time?

It's a win win situation all round.

Well, it literally was a win win situation for Ross because HE WON A FUCKING BAFTA FOR THAT SHIT. I know it's only really old people that pay attention to the BAFTA's but Grant from Eastenders winning a fucking award for a serious piece of documentary film making really is other worldly to me.

You'd think after morally conquering Afganistan, Ross would fuck off back to Walford and spend the rest of his years polishing his award but no, he's got bigger guns to shoot and he needs to make sure the rest of the UK are informed in the most sincere and arrogant way possible.

What I actually like about Ross Kemp on Gangs is the fact that it reveals the fact that:

A) He is completely and utterly stupid.

and

B) He has an obsession, and probably sexual relations, with firearms.

Here (if you forward the video to about 6 minutes), Ross goes to the Favelas of Rio De Janiro to report on how bad the gangs are and stuff and along the way manages to squeeze in time to visit a massive gun storage unit owned by the Police.



HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO USE EVERY SINGLE GUN IN THAT ROOM, ROSS?

The utter glee on his face is quite amazing to watch. He literally looks like he's about to come in his pants. I think he probably has by the way he's rigidly shuffling around that maze of guns.

What's even better is the way he repeats whatever his guide says in English into his own style of Brazilian accent. That's probably what clinched the BAFTA for him.

I leave you with how it should have been.

2 comments:

Raste said...

Oh dear, Nina Ribena.

For someone who can proclaim, in all seriousness, and with such apparent joy, that "Peaches [Geldoff] is so motherfucking back", I think your criticisms of Ross Kemp - especially of his show about the war in Afghanistan - are completely misplaced.

I assume you haven't watched any of the shows. He does not claim to be an expert with guns, nor does he portray himself as any guntoting superhero - he simply reflects some horrific situations in a matter-of-fact manner. That these situations often involve firearms does not mean that he is obsessed by weaponary.

Okday, his "On Gangs" series may have been occasionally overdramatic, but his "In Afghanistan" shows have done great things to portray the brutalities of the war in Afghanistan for the British soldiers, and the Afghab people. He is doing something useful. You seem to be far too cool for school to do anything even vaguely productive.

Oh, and sweetheart, all this swearing - it's not big, it's not clever, it doesn't make your blog sound irreverant, it just makes you sound like a complete cretin. So stop it.

Nina Ribena. said...

I only just found this...

When did I ever say Peaches Geldoff was back? Did I actually say that 'Peaches' the Canadian singer was back? Yes. Yes I did. Oh dear, embarrassing remark for you number 1.

Taking Ross Kemp seriously. Embarrassing remark for you number 2.

Being a patronising cunt. Embarrassing remark for you number 3.

Not looking good for you so far, is it?